What have you done?
by AnubisLoki
Summary: All Toby Rogers wanted to fell was pain, just at least once. What has he done in order to achieve this goal? (Warning may be triggering for some people read with caution)


It's…all a blur really it happened too fast, I wasn't sure what I was doing or why it just….happened. I know I can't feel pain, my body could be mutilated and I still wouldn't feel anything I'm not even sure I can die maybe that's why I did it; I was tired of feeling nothing at all, tired of being a freak, different, I was tired of their jokes. They laughed at me and made fun of me when they thought I wasn't in the room or that I couldn't hear them but I could hear everything they said very clear and it hurt. They were always constantly stabbing me in the back, throwing their knives into my chest and cutting apart my heart laughing as I walked around bleeding not even noticing the pain.

They always thought I couldn't feel the pain and they were right I couldn't feel pain at least not physically but mental I could and my heart could feel it as well. They could never hear me scream, never see my trash my room in pain and anger, they couldn't see the tears I cried but never felt, they couldn't see the pain my reflection held onto like a dying secrete. No they would never see what I saw, feel how I feel, or understand what I know but yet they've always seen me as a hyperactive, idiotic, freak who doesn't know when to stop but they're wrong I only wanted them to like me. I didn't want them to abandon me, didn't want them to hate me, I just wanted friends…I just wanted a family but I guess I hadn't found one and never will. After all if they couldn't accept me for how I was then who ever could?

Its funny everyone says that the cuts hurt and it feels like your soul is bleeding out but as I drag the metal across the surface painting a picture in red it feels relaxing but maybe that's because I can feel something when I hold this rusted brush of mine. I can feel sadness, pain, relief, and the tears that fall across my cheeks. When I glide this brush across the surface painting my flesh with red I finally feel something more than emptiness and I don't mind the pain it's nice to be able to feel something. I still remember when I came across the metal, it was laying in her hand some girl that I had killed a few months ago, she was holding it with care as blood painted her skin and when I killed her after she begged for death I took the metal and examined it that night with care before trying her strange art.

Sometimes when I'm alone I count them as I examine the scared flesh, yet I've been careful and made sure that no one but my own eyes have seen the scars I've left upon my bleeding flesh after all they would never understand how good pain feels to me. To them pain is a terrible feeling but for me it's as pleasurable as feeling happiness. Tonight however was the worst I've been, killing didn't go too well I screwed up the mission and Masky was furious at me even Hoodie was mad, but throughout the whole day Jeff wouldn't stop making fun of me for my twitching, Ben wouldn't let me join when he needed a second player for a game, Sally didn't even want to play with me. No one would talk to me or let me help them, they all said I was a nussience, not needed, useless, stupid, and so on saying my disorders got in the way of everything.

I tried not to run off after we got back from our failed mission but I couldn't stop until I had locked my door behind me letting the tears fall since I could no longer hold them back. I slumped against the door silently crying hoping none of them heard me as they walked by my door but I already knew no one paid any attention to me they would rather make sure Lost was ok before ever thinking about my closed door. Something glimmered in the light of the moon coming through the opened blinds and as I approached my desk there it was. It sat there invitingly telling my mentally that it could take away the pain, it cut away the hurtful words from my mind and instead replace them with bliss.

I'm not a fool for believing such things coming from a blade but it was my only friend in this cruel world and as I dragged the blade across everything they ever said ran through my mind causing me to cut deeper and bleed more, tears fell faster but I didn't care the pain was great but I knew that even I had a limit of feeling pain and so I took a few pain meds I stole from Masky so that I could drive away the pain from my mind and let my new found pain seep in to my mind. I hadn't realized that I was crying out loud nor did I hear the sound of footsteps coming up the stairs as I took a few more pills.

What have I done? I'm not even sure. No I was sure I knew what was happening as my body went numb and the blade fell from my hand. I knew what I had done as my body slumped to the floor and the footsteps became rushed running towards my door, I knew what I had done as the world went in and out of focus before me and my body unable to move. I knew what I had done as the last thing I saw was Mas…no it was Timothy's face staring at me but Slenderman's arms that held me tightly as Timothy yelled for Eyeless to come quick. Right before I blacked out I saw something different in Timothy he seemed upset and I only knew he was scared as a tear fell from his face and onto my cheek but that was the last thing I remember seeing before I blacked out completely.

I didn't mean to kill myself, I didn't mean to end my life, I just wanted to feel pain, I just couldn't take the torture that had been growing in my mind and squeezing my heart binding it in iron chains. As I waited for death to finally take me I saw my life flash before my eyes until my memory came to when I had been one of them for some time and then it slowed down at the good times. The times I teased Masky, talked to the others, the few rare occasions when I felt like I belonged and was wanted. I wiped the tears away from my eyes at these moments, I held my heart tightly not wanting to fell pain here but the damage had already been done to it and as I was approaching my death my heart began to slow down and slowly disappear I guess they couldn't save me and I was going to die right there or maybe they hadn't even bothered to save me. I walked faster through the memories of my past and I was suddenly walking through the door to my room where they had all gathered this must be now.

I was in Slender's arms, Eyeless was working frantically trying to save me, Timmy looked terrified at my still body as Hoodie had an arm around him. Jeff and Ben just stared silently with a look of sickness to their faces and behind the cut smile on Jeff's face I could see there was a frown from his true lips. Sally was hugging her bear tightly to afraid to look away and L.J. was beside her with the same saddened face as her. I walked around them looking at my bleeding body and then to the moon.

"Hello Toby."

My head jerked around until my eyes fell upon my sister approaching me from the moonlight shining through.

"I've been waiting for you, I'm sorry you had to leave this way."  
>"I'm dead?" what a stupid question<br>"Not yet brother." She looked down at my body "You're heart still beats, but it's slow and almost dead you'll die soon enough there's nothing your medic there can do."  
>"So this is really it I'm going to die."<br>"Unless you want to go back."

I looked up at her unsure of what she had just said surly she didn't say "unless I wanted to go back"?

"You have a choice Toby you aren't supposed to be dead yet so if you want to go back then you can it's all up to you but I would think fast you'll be dead by three."

I looked at the clock on my nightstand and saw that it was 2:25 now I didn't have that much time to choose but I looked to the crowd hoping they would help me decide.

"Come on E.J. work faster he's almost dead."  
>"Relax Masky I'm not going to let him die he's lost a lot of blood though and the fall tweaked his neck a bit."<br>"Are you saying there's nothing you can do to save him?"  
>"I didn't say that his neck didn't snap he's still alive and I've stopped the bleeding I just have to fix his neck and hope that he wakes up ."<br>"Well hurry."

"It seems that masked man has quit a bit of respect for you." My sister said as I turned to the others to see if they would say anything.

"Jack is Toby dead?" Sally asked L.J.  
>"N...no S...S...Sally he's….just asleep."<br>"Why is he bleeding?"  
>"H...he fell down is all and E.J.'s healing him."<br>"You're a terrible liar Jack."

Sally turned her head away and fell into L.J.'s arms.

"I know."  
>"Damn it." Jeff suddenly shouted "Damn it Toby wake up already this isn't funny can't you see we're all scared?" he wasn't looking at my body but at me instead. "Can't you see that we don't want you to die?"<br>"Jeff?" I asked  
>"I'm not bling Toby please just wake up already."<br>"Jeff are you ok?" Slender asked  
>"I...I…"<p>

Jeff just looked at me and then walked out of the room mumbling something that I couldn't hear and I turned to Ben who could only see my body.

"We're a bunch of jerks I'm sorry." He to left the room

I looked back at the clock 2:40 just 20 minutes before I would be dead and yet when I looked back at my sister she had a sinister grin on her face.

"Your time's almost up Toby soon we'll be a happy family again just you, me and mom."  
>"What about dad?"<br>"Dad? He's not in our heaven I don't know where he went but my and mom have been waiting for you don't you want to join us Toby? We can finally be a happy family."

The smile on her face was still disturbing and I looked back at the clock 2:55 shit I only had 5 minutes left before I would be completely dead and yet my sister had already taken my hand was ready to lead me off towards the moonlight.

"We'll be a family again Toby."

I looked back at my body and the mortified faces of my friends.

"I don't know if I can save him in time something's still wrong but I don't know what." E.J. said terrified  
>"Well think of something we can't let him die. Damn it Toby wake up we need you we're not a team without you."<br>"Not a team without me?"

E.J. suddenly stopped and black tears fell from his mask.

"He's…he's…"  
>"E.J. what is it?" Masky begged<br>"He's…I'm sorry."

Masky pushed E.J. back and held my body by the shoulders.

"Toby don't you dare leave us I know your spirit's still in there please don't leave I'm sorry ok I'm sorry for getting mad at you but I don't want you to die!"  
>"Come on Toby it's time."<p>

My sister took my hand and was leading me away but I couldn't stop looking back as Slender tried to pull Masky away from me but he wouldn't let go he kept telling me to come back.

"Mom will be so happy to be a family again."

I snapped and yanked away from her and our eyes held for a moment.

"What is it Toby? You can't stay you're dead we have to go to heaven to be with mom, we have to go to be a family."  
>"No! We're not a family, death will just pull us apart I've done terrible things sis I'm not pure like you and mom I won't end up happy like you did with mom no I'll end up like dad." I turned back to the others "Besides they're my family now and I've caused them enough trouble."<br>"If you go back to them they'll keep teasing you, you know what they think of you."  
>"True but at least they've had my back all this time and I'm not going to leave them. I'm sorry sis but I can't go with you I have to stay here."<p>

I watched her smile a truer sincere smile as she hugged me.

"I was hoping you'd say that. I'm sorry you had to go through this Toby don't ever change we love you."

For a moment I felt another presence and my mom was next to my sister.

"Come on honey let's let Toby go back to his life besides they've done more for him then we ever could." My mother came and hugged me "I'm proud of you Toby even though you're a killer I'm still proud of you good look sweetie I'll come get you when it's time."

I watched them disappear back into the moonlight as I took my fading heart and laid on my still body feeling the world black out around me and heard screams around me. What have I done? I killed myself and I figured out my place. What happened? I saved myself and saved the others. What's happening? I'm in a coma or I was in a coma. It's been a few days since the accident but that doesn't matter anymore. The only thing is the others think I've thrown away the blade but the scars still haven't healed and it hurts when I twitch do to my tweaking my neck when I fell but I'm making it through and I realize that their taunts are more childish teasing rather than bullying and besides I could never make it into heaven not from what I've done so I might as well stay in purgatory with those I belonged with.

"Hey Toby you ok?" I looked up at Masky standing in the doorframe. "Want to go on a mission with me Hoodie's out doing god knows what and I could use the extra help."  
>"I won't be in your way like last time?"<br>"No you won't come on."

I guess this is where I'll leave off for the night I promise I won't mess this up I have to make it up for scaring Timothy so badly with my near death attempt. Maybe I'll forget about how good the pain felt and be glad that I can't feel any pain, maybe one day I'll have the strength to finally throw away my rust paintbrush but until then I guess I'll see what life has to throw my way and hope I don't mess up again.


End file.
